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Nice Words - Funny Joke

Ladies and gentlemen, we are here today to bid farewell to our departed neighbour, old Bob Flowers.

Is there anyone in the congregation who would like to say a few nice words about him?” asked the vicar.

But there was silence. “Come on now, don’t be shy, someone must remember something good about him.”

Still no response.

“Please, someone say something,” pleaded the harassed vicar.

All of a sudden, a voice was heard at the back of the church.

“His brother was worse."

Nice Words - Funny Joke

Ladies and gentlemen, we are here today to bid farewell to our departed neighbour, old Bob Flowers.

Is there anyone in the congregation who would like to say a few nice words about him?” asked the vicar.

But there was silence. “Come on now, don’t be shy, someone must remember something good about him.”

Still no response.

“Please, someone say something,” pleaded the harassed vicar.

All of a sudden, a voice was heard at the back of the church.

“His brother was worse."

Day Of Release - Funny Joke

A woman comes home to find her husband crying his eyes out.

“My goodness, what’s wrong?” she asks.

He looks up at her and says, “Do you remember 15 years ago when I got you pregnant? Your father was so flamin’ angry he said I had to marry you or go to jail?”

“Yes, I remember,” she replies, “but why are you thinking of that now?”

“Well, today is the day I would have been released!”

The Curious Parrot - Funny Joke

A young couple bought a parrot, but quickly discovered that he could cause them a lot of embarrassment.

Every time someone came to the house, he would tell them what the couple had been up to, particularly what went on in the evenings on the sofa.

“That’s it, I’ve had enough,” said the man, “from now on, you’ll be covered up early in the evening so you can’t see what’s going on. Otherwise, it’s the zoo for you.”

A few days later, the couple decided to go away for a week’s holiday so they spent the evening packing and of course filled the suitcase to overflowing.

I’ve got an idea,” said the man. “I’ll get on top, press down as much as I can and you can tell me what’s happening.”

But the case wouldn’t close.

“This is no good,” remarked the wife.

“Here, let me have a go, I’ll get on top and we’ll see if it’s any better.”

Still they couldn’t get the case to close, so the man said, “Let’s both get on top, bounce up and down and maybe that’ll work.”

Suddenly the parrot pulled off the cage cover and squawked, “I’ll take my chances at the zoo, but this I’ve just got to see?”

Dead Or Alive - Funny Joke

"Oh doctor,” said the man as he regained consciousness, “tell me please, was the operation successful?”

“I’m sorry,” came the reply, “I’m not the doctor, I’m an angel."

Billing For A Night - Joke

A ladies’ man stops for the night at a country hotel and as he signs in, he notices a beautiful blonde sitting alone at the hotel bar.

While the receptionist is sorting out the paperwork, he saunters over to the blonde and returns a couple of minutes later with the girl on his arm.

Grinning, he says to the receptionist, “Would you believe it! I’ve just bumped into my wife, so we’d better have a double room.”

The following morning, he goes to pay his bill and discovers it’s for more than £2,000.

“What the hell’s this for?” he splutters. “I’ve only been here one night.”

"Of course, Sir, but your wife has been here for more than a week!”