Golden Rules of Dieting - Funny Joke

1. If you eat something, and no one else sees you eat it, it has no calories.

2. When drinking a diet soda while eating a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled by the diet soda.

3. When you eat with someone else, calories don’t count as long as you don’t eat more than they do.

4. Foods used for medicinal purposes never count.

5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.

6. If you are in the process of preparing something, food licked off knives and spoons have no calories.

Memoirs Of The Student Nurse - Funny Joke

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."

Fairy Tale - Funny Joke

"Mommy," the little girl asked, "do all fairy tales begin with. "Once upon a time?"

"No dear, "She replied. "Sometimes they start with, "Darling, I'll be working a little late at office tonight".

God's Farm - Hilarious Joke

A farmer purchases an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans to turn it into a thriving enterprise. The fields are grown over with weeds, the farmhouse is falling apart, and the fences are collapsing all around.

During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to bless the man's work, saying, "May you and God work together to make this the farm of your dreams."

A few months later, the preacher stops by again to call on the farmer. Low and behold! It's like a completely different place - the farm house is completely rebuilt and in excellent condition, there are plenty of cattle and other livestock happily munching on feed in well-fenced pens, and the fields are filled with crops planted in neat rows. "Amazing!" the preacher says. "Look what God and you have accomplished together."

"Yes, Reverend," says the farmer, "but remember what the farm was like when God was working it alone."

Humorous Quotes And Funny Sayings

Humorous Quotes and funny sayings.

1. By all means, Marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher ... and that is a good thing for any man. - Socrates

2. Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers. - Homer Simpson

3. I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. - A. Whitney Brown

4. Personally, I don't think there's intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one? - Bob Monkhouse

5. I never think of the future - it comes soon enough. - Albert Einstein

6. I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead. - Samuel Goldwyn

7. I can resist everything except temptation. - Oscar Wilde.

8. Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it. - Mark Twain

9. I'm in no condition to drive...wait! I shouldn't listen to myself, I'm drunk! - Homer J. Simpson 

10. Advertisements contain the only truths to be relied on in a newspaper. - Mark Twain